Ever found yourself regretting something you said too hastily, sent a text without due consideration, or reacted excessively in an email?
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Ever wished there was an “unsend” button for those moments? Perhaps it’s not always your own misstep but dealing with someone else’s verbal or written blunder. We’ve all experienced being both perpetrators and victims of overreactions. There’s a tale that speaks volumes about mindset and serves as a reminder during moments of conflict or stress. Here’s the story:
Once, a donkey was tied to a tree when the Devil came and untied it. The donkey then ran into the fields, causing havoc by destroying crops. Upon witnessing this, the farmer’s wife shot and killed the donkey. Enraged, the donkey’s owner retaliated by shooting the farmer’s wife. When the farmer returned and discovered his wife’s fate, he sought revenge by shooting the donkey’s owner. Subsequently, the owner’s wife instructed her sons to burn down the farmer’s house. The sons, gleefully following their mother’s orders, assumed the farmer would perish in the fire. However, to their disappointment, the farmer survived and later retaliated by killing the wife and sons of the donkey’s owner. Reflecting on the tragic chain of events, the remorseful farmer questioned the Devil about the cause. The Devil simply replied, “I merely released the donkey, but it was your overreactions that unleashed the inner devil within each of you.
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How can this be made practical and applicable to your personal and business life? Let’s look at some simple but critical rules to follow during stress, conflict, and confusion. Don’t let the donkey control your mindset.
1 Pause Before Responding. When you’re on the receiving end of a text, email, or face-to-face comment that triggers in you a strong reaction, RESIST! Do not reply immediately. Take a breath, re-read for clarity of understanding, and then wait 20 or 30 minutes before responding. Next, ask yourself if a phone call would be a better way to handle things. People tend to be more aggressive when someone is NOT right in front of them and tend to misconstrue the tone or intention of texts and emails. Pause and make a good decision before you fire back and potentially escalate the situation.
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2 Consider the Consequences: Before sending any message or responding in person, think about the potential impact of your words or actions. Consider how your response might affect your relationship with the other person and whether it will help resolve the issue or escalate tensions.
3 Look at all sides before you respond. How will they perceive your words and actions? Are you being empathetic or aggressive? Is your response constructive or destructive? What action can you expect from the other party next? Are you focused on a good outcome?
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4 When in doubt of the other party’s intentions, whether they’re your own client, the other realtor, an inspector, an appraiser, or a friend, just call them and ask if your understanding is what they intended.
5 Ask for help from your coaches. Every day in our coaching sessions, you can send a situation over and ask for help! Don’t go it alone, and don’t guess at what to do.
6 Words matter. Proofread your texts, emails, and even what you plan to say face-to-face, and ask yourself whether your wording is inflammatory, triggering, or overly aggressive. Instead, be solution-oriented, professional, and understanding.
The following are some examples of inflammatory or triggering words versus a more professional alternative: (Bonus thought: this also works with kids and family, not just business conversations!)
Stressful: Reduce the price.
Not stressful: Adjust / Improve / Modify the price.
Stressful: You’re wrong.
Not stressful: I (or my client) have a different perspective.
Stressful: You’re making a mistake.
Not stressful: Have you considered?
Stressful: You need to….
Not stressful: What would happen if you…
Stressful: You’re being unreasonable!
Not stressful: Let’s find a compromise that works for everyone.
Stressful: You don’t understand.
Not stressful: Let me clarify
In conclusion, think of the devil and the donkey story before you overreact and wreck a deal, a relationship, or a conversation. You can control the outcome by taking a breath, considering the consequences, and tailoring your responses.
